The past may be rose tinted but let’s be honest, the present is pretty shit.
We’re led to believe that progress is inextricably tethered to the inevitable march of time and that slowly but surely we are becoming healthier, better informed and more enlightened. I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit.
I’m fully aware of the more positive thesis or the ‘New Optimist’ movement, as it’s become known. In fact, I’m a big fan of Steven Pinker and Matt Ridley. I get that we are living longer, more fulfilled lives, that we’re better connected and less likely to die at the hands of another man etc but there are some nasty looking, gaping holes in this argument that are worth poking at right now.
I had the pleasure recently of an eye-wateringly expensive jaunt in a steam driven Pullman car from Victoria Station to Dover and back. And I’m so glad I did. Those few hours on a glorious hand-crafted luxury carriage were truly an immersive experience. The rattling of the silverware and the ringing of the crystal as the coal fired locomotive wended its wobbly way through the garden of England was enough to make my bifocals mist up. Yes of course, much of Kent is a shithole now, but viewed from the splendour of our marquetry clad interior, England looked rather lovely. Hopeful, even.
Of course it was all a bit of play-acting. Naturally, I dressed for the part in three piece tweeds, pocket watch, homburg and umbrella but these personal props weren’t just accessories, they were personality adjusters. I found myself sitting more upright, annunciating more precisely and folding my linen napkin with new found balletic elegance. After all, the refined environment I’d properly shelled out for expected it of me. And so I obeyed.
Contrast this with today’s first class train travel experience. The crystal glasses have been replaced with much safer disposable plastic beakers. Gone is the silverware (clearly it would all get stolen and melted down to make nose rings). The linens haven’t been seen since the invention of Formica and the exquisite hardwood interiors have obviously been replaced with much more practical graffiti resistant laminates. Perhaps the most striking difference is the arrival of the shouty warning signs and messages that constantly tell us off and warn us of all the things we shouldn’t do on every…available…bleedin’…surface. These signs are simply there to back up the endless robotic announcements about things that we might be doing wrong like leaving bags on seats, smoking in the toilets or not noticing terrorists, for example.
You see. Warning signs and safety messages don’t always have to be ugly and shouty.
This massive cultural shift is a direct result of a series of highly practical, sensible decisions to improve things for everyone over the course of a hundred years or so. I can only assume that a Victorian yobbo once lobbed a crystal glass from the window at some point. A heinous crime that we are all, quite rightly, still being punished for a century and a half later.
Look, I know that the past is a safe place, a more innocent place, a distant land that we see as cleansed of today’s nauseating politics but, seriously, it’s not just luxury we’ve lost here…it’s the way in which our environments judge us. My Pullman experience was a stark reminder that once upon a time spaces and places actually wanted us in them. They brought us the very best the planet had to offer in luxurious fabrics, food, fine wines and personal service, and in return they demanded our respect and courtesy. The result was the undisputed golden era of public transport.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that our environments shape us, shape our behaviour our attitudes and our responses. Allowing the lowest common denominator to take ultimate control over the last century or so has delivered us an ugly, distrusting and perpetually suspicious built environment that doesn’t really want us in it. And that is no way to design the future.
So, in answer to the endless request “If you see something that doesn’t look right..”
Well yes everything, pretty much.
Even the loos are dressed to impress
Howard Saunders is a writer, speaker and The Retail Futurist
Are you as sick of it as I am? The recent rise of a peculiar strain of hospitality vernacular has grown irritating to the point of banality. Here is a brief compendium of annoyance from a professional misanthrope. That is, all the hospitality no-nos that are barriers to genuine personal service.
Cheers.
You’ve just spent a hundred quid on a pair of jeans and as they swing the bag in front of you this parting remark leaves you feeling under appreciated to the point that you want to hand the bloody things back. I know the world’s gone all smart/casual but a sincere thank you might actually put a spring in your step. Too formal for anyone under the age of thirty, I guess.
Do you want a bag with that?
I know it’s not their fault but the idea that the random array of goods that lie on the counter before you could simply be gathered up in your arms like you’ve just robbed the place is maddening. Perhaps they’d prefer you to pull a crumpled old Tesco bag from your pocket to save them the menial task of actually packing the stuff. How on earth did we get to this?
Any allergies?
We all know the protocol, but it’s beyond annoying. And it’s never “may I ask if you have any allergies?’ No, that would be far too time consuming. The sheer bluntness of the question feels like a brusque doctor’s bedside manner and shouldn’t belong anywhere near hospitality. In a coffee shop recently, I pointed to a shiny bun that I thought might pair perfectly with my flat white. “Ooh” I purred in faux childish tones to make light of my impromptu indulgence. The robotic response stabbed what could have been a micro-magical moment. Oh well.
No worries
A hand me down from the school of ‘Neighbours’ no doubt and one of Gen Z’s go to fillers. I’ve even experienced it in posh restaurants where, incidentally, they spend hours making sure all the cutlery is perfectly polished and aligned so as to create a good impression. Why on earth can’t a grown up in charge tell them not to mention WORRIES!? I’m supposed to be having a good time here.
No problem
As above but minus the Ozzie upspeak. Often, and even more infuriatingly, abbreviated to “no probs” So very, very wrong.
Have a great day
This one’s the UK version of LaLa land’s “You have a great day now”. Both are about as sincere as Gavin Newsom and grate on all non-US citizens.
You ok there?
Yes, funnily enough I’m fine. I don’t think I’ve been involved in a terrible accident, not while standing here anyway; I’m simply waiting for someone to serve me politely. I point blank refuse to answer this non question. Why can’t you simply say “Can I help?” or is that too demeaning for you?
My brother (who’s run restaurants for forty years, incidentally) recently booked his Jaguar in for a service and after waiting at reception for a few minutes eventually two oversized eyelashes swept upwards to pose this very question. Presumably, all the bookings were on the screen, together with the details of his car and what he was there for, so it wouldn’t have been so very hard for her to say “Good morning Mr Saunders, if you’d like to leave your keys I’ll let the service department know you’re here”. That way he might buy another one.
Have you booked?
Look, this is a posh restaurant. You can see I’m all dressed up and excited about a great night out and the prospect of dropping three hundred quid on a couple of steaks. Why did you have to launch this downer, this verbal red rope, while I stand here with my wife/lover/client and ruin the mood before we’ve even taken our coats off? Try “good evening” followed by asking my name. That way I don’t feel like I’m queuing for a sightseeing bus tour.
Any room for a dessert?
No thanks, is the most likely answer to such an afterthought of a question. How about you come over and recommend something, be enthusiastic about your wares? Also, it sounds rude because it suggests you’re only there to stuff yourself to the brim.
Is everything ok?
This one’s usually lobbed at you midway through a mouthful of hot mash and for which the response is like Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich. We all know it’s a box ticking exercise to minimise complaints but surely you could at least attempt to make it sound genuine. And is ‘ok’ really the height of your culinary aspirations? Maybe you should put a sign in the window: “Our food is ok!” See how that goes.
Do you want?
I think you mean “Would you like or would you care for?’ (I instantly hear my mother’s scolding rebuke when I get this one).
I know elegance and etiquette are seen as dusty and antiquated these days but surely in hospitality, if not in every walk of life, we can expect some level of courtesy. It’s not like I’m holding a tray in a prison canteen for god’s sake.
Thanks mate
I know I was unashamedly cheery and this is only a bar after all, but your job is still to serve me, much as it clearly irks you. I’m not your mate, and I don’t even call my mates mate. Only plumbers.
Enjoy!
Your knife and fork are poised in symmetric anticipation when this formulaic Americanism echoes in your ears as if it’s a verbal command rather than a wish. Mate, this is not California and, thankfully, it never will be.
Try using my name ffs
I booked, you’ve seen my credit card and I’ve been here for nearly two hours so why couldn’t you thank me by name? As my brother (the one with the Jag) says “Names are the sweet spot, the most powerful currency of all.” Try harder.
Thanks for coming, see you again
Versions of this are often printed at the exit or on the receipt. Utterly meaningless unless you actually say it.
Cheers!
Howard Saunders is a writer, speaker and the Retail Futurist
An A-Z of all the things you didn’t know were killing you
Roll up, roll up you hyper-hypochondriacs, gluten dodgers, ADHD enthusiasts…in fact each and every one of you ‘worried well’… this one’s for you. Forget about your silly allergies and your nonsensical intolerances, you don’t know the half of it yet! Use this blog as a handy go-to guide to help you avoid all the nasty things in life that are clearly colluding to take you out.
A
All good A-Zs start with Apples and this one is no exception. The waxy coating on supermarket apples is a storage facility for harmful pesticides. Washing under cold water is utterly pointless and even peeling won’t remove them. The best way is to soak your apple, or any supermarket fruit, in a solution of baking soda for twenty minutes, a handy household hint that nobody ever did, ever. Probably best to avoid apples, and fruit, altogether.
A lesser know killer A is the air freshener. Air fresheners release harmful chemicals like VOCs (volatile organic compounds) and phthalates that can cause respiratory problems, allergies, and trigger asthma attacks.
B
We all know about overindulging in bread, beer and bacon (like every Sunday) but did you know about the health hazards of broccoli? Broccoli contains goitrogens, which can interfere with iodine uptake and suppress thyroid gland function. Excessive consumption, especially raw broccoli, may lead to hypothyroidism or goitre in individuals with low iodine levels. Broccoli also produces natural pesticides like sulforaphane as part of its defense mechanism to stop it being eaten! Is nature telling us something?
C
Coffee, chocolate, cereal and chips are all delicious so therefore must be bad for us. In fact, did you know that dark chocolate which is famously healthy, contains high levels of heavy metals. Lindt is being taken to court over it right now. However, the secret household killers that lurk beneath your sink are the cleaning products we use with gay abandon every day. Cleaning products release VOCs and other harmful fumes that irritate the respiratory system. Regular use of sprays, such as air fresheners (as above) or disinfectants and detergents, has been linked to asthma development and exacerbation of existing conditions like wheezing and coughing. Overexposure to certain cleaning chemicals can cause headaches, dizziness, nausea, and even cognitive impairment due to their neurotoxic effects. It doesn’t say that in the small print!
And cling film is absolutely fine as long as it doesn’t touch any food as it contains plasticisers (eg. DEHA) and antioxidants that leach into food, especially fatty or acidic foods.
D
So, we’ve covered detergents (absolutely deadly) and most of us know that diet sodas are loaded with aspartame which has been linked to an increased risk of cardiovascular diseases including stroke, coronary heart disease, and atrial fibrillation. Aspartame was classified as “possibly carcinogenic” by the WHO in 2023. While no definitive causal link has been established between diet sodas and cancer, ongoing research continues (not funded by Coca Cola methinks). Dairy produce has had such a rough time of it lately it doesn’t need me to add to it but did you know that dried fruit often contains sulphites as a preservative to maintain colour and extend shelf life? Raisins, for example, have been found to contain residues from multiple pesticides, with some samples showing contamination from over 13 different chemicals. Pesticides can pose risks ranging from acute toxicity to long-term health effects like hormonal disruption or cancer. Delicious, especially for the kiddies.
But deodorant is the biggie. Ingredients like parabens and phthalates in some deodorants act as endocrine disruptors, interfering with hormone function. Parabens have been linked to estrogenic activity, which could promote the growth of hormone-sensitive cancer cells. Antiperspirants, which block sweat glands, mostly contain aluminium salts. While some studies have detected aluminium in breast tissue, there is no conclusive evidence linking it to breast cancer or other illnesses…yet, but I’m sure they’ll let us know asap (eye-roll).
E
Yes, we know energy drinks are basically candy floss in a can and e numbers should be avoided at all costs (even though it’s impossible to do so) but exercise is humankind’s deadliest activity by a long shot. Looking at the statistics it’s pretty obvious that contact sports should be banned outright. Rugby, boxing, wrestling and gymnastics can lead to severe injuries such as spinal damage, concussions, as well as catastrophic injuries like collapsed spines and paralysis. Heading a football will lead to brain injuries over time, increasing risks of dementia and Parkinson’s disease. And expect to be diagnosed with small cracks in your bones if you’re an enthusiastic runner. Even horse riding is responsible for over 100,000 injuries and around 20 deaths per year in the US alone due to falls or being kicked. Best stay in.
F
We’re learning more about fluoride by the day. Learning that it’s poisoning us, basically. Studies suggest that excessive fluoride exposure during early development may be associated with lower IQ and cognitive impairments in children. That explains a lot. Some studies have revealed a connection between fluoride and bone cancer, but evidence remains inconclusive though obviously worrying.
We also know that anything fried is killing us. Frying at high temperatures creates carcinogenic substances including acrylamide and aldehydes. These compounds have been linked to breast and prostate cancer. And it’s impossible to find an oil to fry in that’s not killing you. Try it.
G
Forget about your cancer-inducing glyphosates on all of our crops, or glycerol the sugar substitute that causes headaches, dizziness, hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), metabolic acidosis (high acidity in the blood) and even loss of consciousness, gardening is the big killer. In the UK, around 300,000 gardening-related injuries occur annually, with over 100,000 involving children. Common tools like lawnmowers, flower pots, and secateurs are frequent culprits. Falls in gardens are a leading cause of serious injuries such as hip fractures and concussions. Ladders are particularly hazardous with around 48,000 people annually waiting in A&E in the UK due to ladder accidents at home doing gardening and DIY. And while we’re on the subject, the gypsum in plaster products contains respirable crystalline silica, a known cause of silicosis, a severe and potentially fatal lung disease.
H
The Netflix series Rotten taught us that most honey is just sugar and water. And no one needs reminding that hamburgers, ham and hot dogs are conspiring to shorten our lives. But hair dye is the silent killer nobody’s talking about. Studies suggest potential links between hair dye use and certain cancers: hairdressers and barbers exposed to hair dyes over long periods have a higher risk of bladder cancer. Long-term use of permanent dyes has been associated with an increase in breast and ovarian cancers, especially in women with naturally dark hair. Scary.
I
Ice cream and instant anything are obviously no-goes. But it’s those innocent littleoverpriced incense sticks that have got it in for you. Incense smoke contains carbon monoxide (CO), nitrogen dioxide (NO₂), sulphur dioxide (SO₂), and VOCs like benzene and toluene, which irritate the respiratory system and may lead to reduced lung function over time. Incense burning produces high levels of PM (particulate matter), with 45 mg/g burned compared to 10 mg/g for cigarettes. These fine particles penetrate deep into the lungs causing respiratory dysfunction, asthma exacerbation, and chronic bronchitis. Studies suggest that prolonged exposure to incense smoke increases the risk of cardiovascular diseases due to inflammation and oxidative stress caused by inhaling particulate matter. Meditate on that.
J
Are juice, jam and jelly really bad for you? Yes, but it’s jogging that’s much more likely to kill you. Especially wearing AirPods.
K
Kitchen sponges are breeding grounds for bacteria such as E.coli and Salmonella, which can contaminate surfaces and get into your food if not sanitised regularly. Boil your sponge tonight!
L
Excessive amounts of lager and lasagna can be fun but are probably best avoided. The ‘healthy’ hot water and lemon drink however is deadly. Lemon juice is highly acidic and will erode tooth enamel over time, leading to increased sensitivity and a higher risk of cavities. Drinking hot lemon water directly exposes teeth to this acid. The acidity of lemon irritates the stomach lining and exacerbates conditions such as gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), causing heartburn, nausea and vomiting. Lemon juice also contains compounds like psoralens that make skin more sensitive to sunlight. Wait at least thirty minutes before brushing your teeth after drinking lemon water because the acidity temporarily softens tooth enamel, making it more vulnerable to abrasion. Who knew?
M
Milk, meat and margarine we’re pretty clued up about but it’s marzipan and mattresses that should worry us. Marzipan is made from almonds which contain amygdalin, a compound that releases cyanide when metabolised. So go easy on the Mr Kipling’s Battenberg minis.
Synthetic mattresses on the other hand, especially memory foam, emit VOCs such as formaldehyde, benzene, and toluene like nobody’s business. Prolonged exposure may cause headaches, dizziness, respiratory irritation, fatigue, and even increase the risk of cancer. Flame retardant chemicals such as PBDEs (polybrominated diphenyl ethers) used to meet fire safety standards also disrupt hormones, decrease fertility, and cause developmental delays in children. But don’t worry, it’s not as if you’re lying face down breathing into it for hours on end, is it?
N
Noodles, nuts, nachos and nail polish remover should be consumed in moderation. Especially the nail polish remover. But it’s non-stick cookware that could be the root cause of all your health issues. When nonstick pans are heated above 260°C they release toxic fumes that can cause flu-like symptoms such as fever, chills, headaches, and muscle aches. Prolonged exposure to these fumes can also lead to lung damage. Nonstick cookware made with PFAS, also known as “forever chemicals,” can leach into food and release harmful compounds when overheated. PFAS exposure is linked to thyroid disorders, infertility and low birth weight as well as an increased risk of kidney and testicular cancer. Yikes.
O
Obviously we should never drink orange juice and we’ve already established that no safe cooking oil exists, but without doubt the most toxic product you have in your cupboards right now is a killer cocktail of chemicals called oven cleaner. The ‘make sure you wear goggles’ warning is not a joke.
P
Pickles increase blood pressure, a chemical called bromelain in pineapples messes with all sorts of medication including antibiotics, aspirin, valium and even alcohol. Avoid the prickly beast at all costs. Pizza and processed anything are an obvious no no, potatoes screw with your blood sugar levels, perfume is rich in VOCs and endocrine disruptors that cause brain cell degeneration but it’s printer ink that’s the killer. Inks are a cocktail of formaldehyde, benzene, toluene and other nasties which, if inhaled or absorbed through the skin, can cause nausea, dizziness, and potential long-term damage to the liver and kidneys.
Q
Quorn is a highly processed fungus sludge pretending to be meat. In a US study of 1,752 human guinea pigs 1,692 of them experienced gastrointestinal symptoms within 8 hours of eating the damn stuff. Enough said. But the biggest shocker is quartz. A quartz countertop may look fancy in your trendy new kitchen but I bet you didn’t know that it’s constantly emitting radioactive radon gas. And radon is the second leading cause of lung cancer globally, after smoking accounting for up to 14% of all lung cancer cases. And if you opt for granite it may contain higher levels of naturally occurring radioactive elements like uranium and thorium. All of which are trying to poison you, of course.
R
Rice absorbs more arsenic from soil and water than other grains, due to being grown in flooded conditions. Long-term exposure to this inorganic arsenic is linked to an increased risk of cancers (lung, bladder, and skin), cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and developmental issues in children. But get this: your ready washed salad may be super convenient but did you know it was washed in bleach? Despite being labelled “ready-to-eat” or “triple-washed,” studies show that washing with toxic chemical solutions, like chlorine and diluted bleach, still only removes a tiny percentage of bacteria and contaminants. And there’s you thinking you were eating healthily!
S
Sugar, salt, sausages and sodas are all to be avoided, of course, but did you know that sunscreen and sunglasses can cause skin cancer?Yes, sunscreens often have chemical ingredients such as oxybenzone and avobenzone which are absorbed into the bloodstream but the main issue with sunscreen is that it gives you a false sense of security. In reality the sun only needs access to a minuscule area of your skin to do its lasting damage and there’s no way you can protect yourself properly.
Meanwhile, your sunglasses are literally blocking the signal that tells your body to produce less melanocyte-stimulating hormone (MSH), a chemical responsible for thickening and darkening the skin to protect against UV radiation damage. Take a look at a picture of a crowded beach in the seventies: barely anyone is wearing sunglasses and there was barely any skin cancer back then. Death rates from melanoma in the UK have soared 150% since the seventies, rising from 1.5 deaths per 100,000 to 4 deaths per 100,000 in 2020. Lose the shades.
T
If bread isn’t deadly enough for you, try toasting it. Toast is acrylamide central, a chemical that forms in starchy foods during toasting, frying, or baking. Studies have shown that acrylamide can increase cancer risk by causing DNA damage and promoting tumour growth. Meanwhile, toothpaste is poisonous fluoride in a tube that we rub into our super-absorbent gums twice a day. But the dangers of using tin foil for cooking is the one we we don’t really know about. Temperatures above 200°C increase the likelihood of aluminium leaching into food, and acidic or salty foods like tomatoes, citrus, vinegar and soy sauce make matters an awful lot worse.
U
Having been told for decades to avoid saturated fats like butter, lard and cheese it turns out that unsaturated fats from seed oils are even worse.The dangers of unwashed fruit we already dealt with (see A for apples) but like mattresses, upholstery can be deadly too. Exposure to common flame retardants can lead to respiratory issues, thyroid dysfunction, liver problems, and adverse effects on the nervous, immune, and reproductive systems. Children are particularly vulnerable, as they may ingest these chemicals through dust or frequent hand-to-mouth contact. So replace your comfy sofa with a safe, unvarnished wooden bench asap.
V
It’s a well known fact that vegan cheese is one of the most disgusting products mankind ever invented. Highly processed, and with an intense odour of teenage changing room it is thankfully only consumed by confused activists. Veggie burgers are, similarly, a highly processed mush of mixed beans and mushroom scraps mixed with a vast quantity of binders and flavourings. Grim.
Vapes are obviously killing us faster than cigarettes now and the enthusiastic consumption of vitamin supplements can lead to liver damage, vision loss, kidney stones, severe intracranial hypertension, hypercalcemia (excess calcium in the blood) leading to kidney damage, nerve damage, bone density loss, and even seizures or coma. Apart from that they’re fine.
W
White bread has long been avoided by the health conscious but it’s considerably trickier to avoid water. Water from plastic bottles is riddled with harmful chemicals like bisphenol A (BPA), phthalates, and antimony trioxide, especially when exposed to heat or stored for long periods. These chemicals are linked to hormone disruption, increased cancer risk, and reproductive issues. Microplastics found in up to 78% of bottled water samples have been associated with oxidative stress, immune system dysregulation, and changes in blood lipid levels.
Tap water, on the other hand, can contain low levels of microorganisms like bacteria (E. coli, Legionella) and amoebae (Naegleria fowleri). We think these are pretty harmless when ingested but can cause serious infections if inhaled (like through humidifiers) or introduced into nasal passages and wounds. Chlorine, in our drinking water reacts with organic matter to form trihalomethanes (THMs), which have been linked to cancer and other health issues like asthma and heart disease. On top of all this, many areas of the UK have introduced fluoride into the water, as if it wasn’t already toxic enough. So don’t drink water, full stop.
X
They sneak xanthum gum into everything these days as a thickener and stabiliser. Studies have shown it can alter gut bacteria causing bloating, gas, diarrhoea, and soften stools due to its laxative effect.
We all know X-rays are mysteriously dangerous but maybe when the dentist tells you they’re harmless and then rushes for cover before blasting your molars it’s more than a clue. Studies have linked dental X-rays to low birth weight in infants and an increased risk of leukemia. Excellent.
Y
The vast majority of branded yogurt, especially flavoured, fruit-based, or children’s varieties, contain added sugars well above recommended levels. Flavoured and even organic yogurts often exceed 10g of sugar per 100g, contributing to risks like obesity and type 2 diabetes.
But yellowfin tuna is well dodgy as it’s loaded with high levels of mercury equivalent to roughly 36 micrograms per 100 grams of fish. Mercury is a neurotoxin that can accumulate in the body over time, leading to health issues such as impaired brain function, memory, and motor skills and an increased risk of anxiety and depression. (I know the feeling).
Z
Zinc is a killer, no question. Acute symptoms from excessive zinc intake (more than 50 mg/day) include nausea, vomiting, diarrohea, abdominal pain, and headaches. If you’re worried about your zinc consumption, best avoid eating beef, oysters, cereals, crab, lobster, pumpkin seeds and cashews. Anything yummy, basically.
But don’t get me started on ziplock bags. All plastic bags contain plasticisers (phthalates) to make them soft and flexible. These chemicals leach into food, especially when exposed to heat, disrupting hormones and causing other health issues. That’s on top of being potential dolphin killers and adding to the global microplastic epidemic which will get us eventually anyway.
In summary, if you don’t want to die prematurely of a hideous and rare form of bone cancer, I suggest you stay indoors, avoid fruit and chocolate, never clean anything, sleep on the floor, don’t brush your teeth, never visit the dentist, don’t exercise or use deodorant, sit on a hard wooden bench and whatever you do, don’t drink the water.
Stay healthy!
Howard Saunders is a writer, speaker and, of course, The Retail Futurist
