I am the perfect citizen
I believe in the BBC
Sir David Almighty Attenborough
He’s like a god to me
How lucky we are to have him
As our moral saviour
The arbiter of planet earth and
Environmental misbehaviour
So I’m at war with my carbon footprint
Swapped my car for a Tesla 3
But I try to cycle as much as I can
In actuality
I am the perfect citizen
I tweet how much I care
Ukraine and LGBT flags
I carry everywhere
My distant family heritage
May be a tad unsavoury
For if you dig down deep enough
We’re all involved in slavery
I am the perfect citizen
Proud to be triple vaxxed
And on the whole I do believe
I have been fairly taxed
I think lockdowns were essential
And I kinda miss my mask
Wrecking the global economy
Is not so big an ask
As the perfect citizen
I feel reparations should be paid
We need to cleanse our tainted past
In a virtuous crusade
But regarding political matters
I’m really not that keen
Not to the left, nor to the right
I’m sensibly in between
I carry my pronouns with me
On a laminated sheet of paper
Kindness is but a small expense
For a considerate communicator
Hate speech should be outlawed
Though I have a small confession
I’ve also learnt that being nice
Might be a micro aggression
Carnivorousness is disgusting
Or anything barbecued
Why is my kindness to animals
So often misconstrued?
I decided to forgo children
No animals or pets
And I never took up vaping,
Cigars or cigarettes
I’ve given up gluten
Denied myself bread
Insured my pipes
Like the water board said
I handed in my microwave
Along with the washing machine
I’m proud to say my garden shed’s
Now home to my eco-latrine
I relinquished my gas boiler
And the hob’s been evacuated
The dangers we’ve been living with
Cannot be overstated
I am the perfect globalist
Who rewilded his back yard
Complete with a Banksy mural
Of the great Christine Lagarde
Everything here’s organic
From peat-free earth home grown
My hair shirt was knitted locally
Buttons carved from bone
I am the perfect citizen
Absolved and recreated
Yet their push for my eternal penance, I fear
Will never be satiated.
