Howard Saunders   Nov 02, 2023   Uncategorized   0 Comment

I am the perfect citizen

I believe in the BBC

Sir David Almighty Attenborough

He’s like a god to me

How lucky we are to have him

As our moral saviour

The arbiter of planet earth and

Environmental misbehaviour

So I’m at war with my carbon footprint

Swapped my car for a Tesla 3

But I try to cycle as much as I can

In actuality

I am the perfect citizen

I tweet how much I care

Ukraine and LGBT flags

I carry everywhere

My distant family heritage

May be a tad unsavoury

For if you dig down deep enough

We’re all involved in slavery

I am the perfect citizen

Proud to be triple vaxxed

And on the whole I do believe

I have been fairly taxed

I think lockdowns were essential

And I kinda miss my mask

Wrecking the global economy

Is not so big an ask

As the perfect citizen

I feel reparations should be paid

We need to cleanse our tainted past

In a virtuous crusade

But regarding political matters

I’m really not that keen

Not to the left, nor to the right

I’m sensibly in between

I carry my pronouns with me

On a laminated sheet of paper

Kindness is but a small expense 

For a considerate communicator

Hate speech should be outlawed

Though I have a small confession

I’ve also learnt that being nice

Might be a micro aggression

Carnivorousness is disgusting 

Or anything barbecued

Why is my kindness to animals

So often misconstrued?

I decided to forgo children

No animals or pets

And I never took up vaping,

Cigars or cigarettes

I’ve given up gluten

Denied myself bread

Insured my pipes

Like the water board said

I handed in my microwave

Along with the washing machine

I’m proud to say my garden shed’s

Now home to my eco-latrine

I relinquished my gas boiler

And the hob’s been evacuated

The dangers we’ve been living with 

Cannot be overstated

I am the perfect globalist

Who rewilded his back yard

Complete with a Banksy mural 

Of the great Christine Lagarde

Everything here’s organic

From peat-free earth home grown

My hair shirt was knitted locally

Buttons carved from bone

I am the perfect citizen

Absolved and recreated

Yet their push for my eternal penance, I fear

Will never be satiated.

About Howard Saunders

The Retail Futurist, otherwise known as Howard Saunders, is a writer and speaker whose job it is to see beyond retail’s currently choppy waters. Howard spent the first twenty five years of his career at some of London’s most renowned retail design agencies, including Fitch & Company, where he created concepts, strategies and identities for dozens of British high street brands. In 2003 he founded trend-hunting agency, Echochamber, inspiring his clients with new and innovative store designs from across the globe. Howard relocated to New York in 2012 where the energetic regeneration of Brooklyn inspired his book, Brooklynization, published in 2017. His newfound role as champion for retail’s future in our town and city centres gave rise to the title The Retail Futurist. Howard has been interviewed on numerous television and radio programs and podcasts for BBC Radio 4, BBC Scotland, the British Retail Consortium, Sky News Australia and TVNZ, New Zealand. His talks are hi-energy, jargon-free journeys that explore the exciting, if not terrifying, retail landscape that lies ahead. When not in retail mode, Howard has recorded, literally, thousands of digital music masterpieces, most of which remain, thankfully, unheard.

Comments are closed.