Howard Saunders   Dec 09, 2020   Uncategorized   0 Comment

The Grinch hated Christmas and the whole Christmas season

And this year, especially, he had a good reason

Watching in anger from his room upstairs

Passers by were unawares

“Two metres the man from WHO had said!’

He screamed in frustration, both hands on his head,

“Do they not know that they’ll end up dead?

It’ll serve them right to be dead” he said.

Then he’d roll up tight and play dead on his bed.

“I hate you all!’ He’d whimper as he wept

Sobbing to sleep, he wept as he slept

He slept and he wept and he whimpered galore

Till no weep was left in him, then he wept a bit more.

Not leaving the house unless fully hazmatted

For the health of HIMSELF was all that mattered.

The Grinch was alone in perceiving the threat,

(Though no one that mattered had died of it yet)

In fact, he desperately hoped that it would

Wiping out Whoville would do them all good!

“People in restaurants and pubs are the worst.

They go there for fun, not for hunger or thirst!”

The Grinch hated those who enjoyed their lives

Frequenting bars, having lunch with their wives

“Hadn’t they heard there’s a plague on the loose?

I hope you all choke on your mince pies and goose!”

Over indulgence is now out of bounds

Not Santa, but a killer, is doing the rounds.

“It’s a beautiful thing to forbid such fun,

To see shoulders slump and faces turn glum

At this the most irritating time of the year

I rename it Grinchmas! Do I make myself clear?”

Tis a little known fact Christmas shopping can kill

So say the signs in the town of Whoville.

If it doesn’t kill, it will make you all ill!

And he crossed his Grinch fingers and hoped that it will.

“Shopping for gifts they can’t possibly need

Is nothing short of reckless greed.

Risking their lives for crackers and cake

From greedy stores, all on the make

Laden in tinsel and snow that is fake.

Stay home and bake if you must have a cake.

It’s just another day, for Grinch’s sake!”

Grinch regulations come fully endorsed:

Two households per household, but you must stay indoors

With windows wide open for the passage of air

No mistletoe kisses, seems perfectly fair.

Doom mongers and Grinches, hear what they say:

“Tomorrow will be a gloomier day”

Whoville, once the liveliest of places,

With bustling bars and smiling faces

Succumbed to the mighty fist of the WHO

WHO knows precisely what’s best for you.

For security and safety are top of their list,

No stone unturned, no detail missed.

To keep us all far from harm’s way

By abolishing Christmas and Christmas Day.

Carols are banned for the air that they vent

This invisible killer, it has no scent

Singing’s illegal, well that’s what they meant

For Grinch this virus was heaven sent.

Our new religion is called The Science

And masks the sign of complete compliance 

Voluntary prisoners, what could be worse

For the Maskers of the Universe?

The Science is serious, if somewhat grouchy

Just look at Chris Whitty or Dr Fauci.

Fauci is grouchy and Whitty ain’t pretty 

But Whoville’s not London or New York City.

Grinches are cold, judgemental and mean

And everything bitter in between 

Less buying, less eating, less drinking, less being!

Is it any wonder that Grinches are green?

They do not care one jot for your life

Nor for your uncle, or your uncle’s wife

What gives a grinch its daily thrills

Is revelling in other’s ills

To turn you cold, like the blood in their veins

Their ups are your downs, your losses their gains.

They cannot bear to see joy or success 

All that you own is considered excess.

Fewer humans is what this planet is needing

And we need laws to stop them from breeding!

Grinches should rule, free from distraction

Malthusianism in a chain reaction!

Grinch flu this year is highly contagious 

But enjoying its curse is beyond outrageous 

We can’t beat the virus but surely the cure

Is a Christmassy heart, open and pure

Full of embrace, yes let’s take the risk!

Put that at the top of your Christmas list.

The moral of this tale? I hear you ask

Is to set you a challenge, a Christmas task

Say no to The Grinch in 2020

Our future is strong, our hopes aplenty.

The Grinch is the virus that infects every nation

But Christmas spirit is our vaccination!

Thanks to Dr Seuss for the inspiration. Now follow me on Twitter @retailfuturist for more devastating insights into where we’re heading!

About Howard Saunders

The Retail Futurist, otherwise known as Howard Saunders, is a writer and speaker whose job it is to see beyond retail’s currently choppy waters. Howard spent the first twenty five years of his career at some of London’s most renowned retail design agencies, including Fitch & Company, where he created concepts, strategies and identities for dozens of British high street brands. In 2003 he founded trend-hunting agency, Echochamber, inspiring his clients with new and innovative store designs from across the globe. Howard relocated to New York in 2012 where the energetic regeneration of Brooklyn inspired his book, Brooklynization, published in 2017. His newfound role as champion for retail’s future in our town and city centres gave rise to the title The Retail Futurist. Howard has been interviewed on numerous television and radio programs and podcasts for BBC Radio 4, BBC Scotland, the British Retail Consortium, Sky News Australia and TVNZ, New Zealand. His talks are hi-energy, jargon-free journeys that explore the exciting, if not terrifying, retail landscape that lies ahead. When not in retail mode, Howard has recorded, literally, thousands of digital music masterpieces, most of which remain, thankfully, unheard.

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