I AM THE PERFECT CITIZEN

I am the perfect citizen

I believe in the BBC

Sir David Almighty Attenborough

He’s like a god to me

How lucky we are to have him

As our moral saviour

The arbiter of planet earth and

Environmental misbehaviour

So I’m at war with my carbon footprint

Swapped my car for a Tesla 3

But I try to cycle as much as I can

In actuality

I am the perfect citizen

I tweet how much I care

Ukraine and LGBT flags

I carry everywhere

My distant family heritage

May be a tad unsavoury

For if you dig down deep enough

We’re all involved in slavery

I am the perfect citizen

Proud to be triple vaxxed

And on the whole I do believe

I have been fairly taxed

I think lockdowns were essential

And I kinda miss my mask

Wrecking the global economy

Is not so big an ask

As the perfect citizen

I feel reparations should be paid

We need to cleanse our tainted past

In a virtuous crusade

But regarding political matters

I’m really not that keen

Not to the left, nor to the right

I’m sensibly in between

I carry my pronouns with me

On a laminated sheet of paper

Kindness is but a small expense 

For a considerate communicator

Hate speech should be outlawed

Though I have a small confession

I’ve also learnt that being nice

Might be a micro aggression

Carnivorousness is disgusting 

Or anything barbecued

Why is my kindness to animals

So often misconstrued?

I decided to forgo children

No animals or pets

And I never took up vaping,

Cigars or cigarettes

I’ve given up gluten

Denied myself bread

Insured my pipes

Like the water board said

I handed in my microwave

Along with the washing machine

I’m proud to say my garden shed’s

Now home to my eco-latrine

I relinquished my gas boiler

And the hob’s been evacuated

The dangers we’ve been living with 

Cannot be overstated

I am the perfect globalist

Who rewilded his back yard

Complete with a Banksy mural 

Of the great Christine Lagarde

Everything here’s organic

From peat-free earth home grown

My hair shirt was knitted locally

Buttons carved from bone

I am the perfect citizen

Absolved and recreated

Yet their push for my eternal penance, I fear

Will never be satiated.

  Howard Saunders   Nov 02, 2023   Uncategorized   Comments Off on I AM THE PERFECT CITIZEN   Read More

LET’S GO OFF-GRID FOR AUGUST!

One month of digital abstention,

Time to shut down our screens for a bit

To quell our addiction to online attention

Just hold down the button to quit

Break free from the chains of LinkedIn

Shut down Facetime, Webex and Zoom

Let’s live for the moment we’re in

Here in the last chance saloon

Tinder must be deleted

(And Grindr, if that floats your boat)

Your life will feel much more completed

With truth as the antidote

Let’s forgo Fortnite for a couple of weeks

Just like an endurance test

Say ‘Hasta la vista, you virtual freaks!’

Your avatar needs the rest!

You must resist the itch to tweet

Don’t become a political junkie

No need to publish every meal that you eat

(Leave that for the Instagram monkeys)

What shall we call this digital prison

This hell in which we’re fully immersed,

Where we’re force-fed a diet of narcissism?

Let’s call it the Metaverse!

Pronouncements of 280 letters

Make not for authentic debate

Don’t become yet another muck spreader

Switch off before it’s too late

Snapchat may well be alluring

But we know it’s eroding our souls

It’s high time for social maturing

With some real life, responsible goals

Now, imagine your life as a video game

As you wander around the house

You can touch things almost exactly the same

Without a haptic mouse

Consider the calm that you will feel

Without need to comment or mock

You might even enjoy a romantic meal 

Without checking on TikTok

Reality, not the virtual kind

Is unfamiliar with TikTok dancing

But freed from the digital daily grind

You’ll find life can be so life enhancing

Tech-vacations are more than essential

Uncoupling from our screens

Exploring one’s untapped potential

Without Google knowing where you’ve been

Our phones, you see, are Trojan horses

Listening to every word

So that armies of Outrage Archeologists

Can analyse what they’ve heard

So, don’t dance to the tune of the algorithm

That’s what it wants you to do

Believe me your sins will not be forgiven

When they come looking for you

Like fish we’re all ensnared, and yet

We should have guessed their game

When they launched the inter-net

The clue was in the name!

So switch the switch and pull that lever

For we know what we must do

It’s time for some decompression fever

Our deadline’s long overdue 

Relax, the bends will soon disperse

As reality takes its hold

It’ll feel like a brand new universe

As life starts to unfold

So let’s go off grid for August

And do humanity proud

No need to be so modest

Make sure you shout it out loud:

“I am a living, breathing human

Pronouns, she, him, her and his!

I’m a free man, or a free woman

…whatever the hell that is.”

Please follow me on Twitter @retailfuturist for retail news and random, related nonsense

  Howard Saunders   Aug 01, 2022   Uncategorized   Comments Off on LET’S GO OFF-GRID FOR AUGUST!   Read More