Are you as sick of it as I am? The recent rise of a peculiar strain of hospitality vernacular has grown irritating to the point of banality. Here is a brief compendium of annoyance from a professional misanthrope. That is, all the hospitality no-nos that are barriers to genuine personal service.
Cheers.
You’ve just spent a hundred quid on a pair of jeans and as they swing the bag in front of you this parting remark leaves you feeling under appreciated to the point that you want to hand the bloody things back. I know the world’s gone all smart/casual but a sincere thank you might actually put a spring in your step. Too formal for anyone under the age of thirty, I guess.
Do you want a bag with that?
I know it’s not their fault but the idea that the random array of goods that lie on the counter before you could simply be gathered up in your arms like you’ve just robbed the place is maddening. Perhaps they’d prefer you to pull a crumpled old Tesco bag from your pocket to save them the menial task of actually packing the stuff. How on earth did we get to this?
Any allergies?
We all know the protocol, but it’s beyond annoying. And it’s never “may I ask if you have any allergies?’ No, that would be far too time consuming. The sheer bluntness of the question feels like a brusque doctor’s bedside manner and shouldn’t belong anywhere near hospitality. In a coffee shop recently, I pointed to a shiny bun that I thought might pair perfectly with my flat white. “Ooh” I purred in faux childish tones to make light of my impromptu indulgence. The robotic response stabbed what could have been a micro-magical moment. Oh well.
No worries
A hand me down from the school of ‘Neighbours’ no doubt and one of Gen Z’s go to fillers. I’ve even experienced it in posh restaurants where, incidentally, they spend hours making sure all the cutlery is perfectly polished and aligned so as to create a good impression. Why on earth can’t a grown up in charge tell them not to mention WORRIES!? I’m supposed to be having a good time here.
No problem
As above but minus the Ozzie upspeak. Often, and even more infuriatingly, abbreviated to “no probs” So very, very wrong.
Have a great day
This one’s the UK version of LaLa land’s “You have a great day now”. Both are about as sincere as Gavin Newsom and grate on all non-US citizens.
You ok there?
Yes, funnily enough I’m fine. I don’t think I’ve been involved in a terrible accident, not while standing here anyway; I’m simply waiting for someone to serve me politely. I point blank refuse to answer this non question. Why can’t you simply say “Can I help?” or is that too demeaning for you?
My brother (who’s run restaurants for forty years, incidentally) recently booked his Jaguar in for a service and after waiting at reception for a few minutes eventually two oversized eyelashes swept upwards to pose this very question. Presumably, all the bookings were on the screen, together with the details of his car and what he was there for, so it wouldn’t have been so very hard for her to say “Good morning Mr Saunders, if you’d like to leave your keys I’ll let the service department know you’re here”. That way he might buy another one.
Have you booked?
Look, this is a posh restaurant. You can see I’m all dressed up and excited about a great night out and the prospect of dropping three hundred quid on a couple of steaks. Why did you have to launch this downer, this verbal red rope, while I stand here with my wife/lover/client and ruin the mood before we’ve even taken our coats off? Try “good evening” followed by asking my name. That way I don’t feel like I’m queuing for a sightseeing bus tour.
Any room for a dessert?
No thanks, is the most likely answer to such an afterthought of a question. How about you come over and recommend something, be enthusiastic about your wares? Also, it sounds rude because it suggests you’re only there to stuff yourself to the brim.
Is everything ok?
This one’s usually lobbed at you midway through a mouthful of hot mash and for which the response is like Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich. We all know it’s a box ticking exercise to minimise complaints but surely you could at least attempt to make it sound genuine. And is ‘ok’ really the height of your culinary aspirations? Maybe you should put a sign in the window: “Our food is ok!” See how that goes.
Do you want?
I think you mean “Would you like or would you care for?’ (I instantly hear my mother’s scolding rebuke when I get this one).
I know elegance and etiquette are seen as dusty and antiquated these days but surely in hospitality, if not in every walk of life, we can expect some level of courtesy. It’s not like I’m holding a tray in a prison canteen for god’s sake.
Thanks mate
I know I was unashamedly cheery and this is only a bar after all, but your job is still to serve me, much as it clearly irks you. I’m not your mate, and I don’t even call my mates mate. Only plumbers.
Enjoy!
Your knife and fork are poised in symmetric anticipation when this formulaic Americanism echoes in your ears as if it’s a verbal command rather than a wish. Mate, this is not California and, thankfully, it never will be.
Try using my name ffs
I booked, you’ve seen my credit card and I’ve been here for nearly two hours so why couldn’t you thank me by name? As my brother (the one with the Jag) says “Names are the sweet spot, the most powerful currency of all.” Try harder.
Thanks for coming, see you again
Versions of this are often printed at the exit or on the receipt. Utterly meaningless unless you actually say it.
Cheers!
Howard Saunders is a writer, speaker and the Retail Futurist
howard@22and5.com
@retailfuturist
